You Are My Reason

Hi Amazing Peeps,

This post is for you.

This is my honesty time.

I’m sitting here in the dark, in the cockpit very upset. I so wanted bubs to come today and it still hasn’t. Even after walking up a hill and carrying a 10 litre container of fuel back. I am feeling sorry for myself.

While sitting here, I was thinking. What is my reason for all of this? Why am I writing, why am I doing this? Why am I here? Not on this Earth but living such a dramatic life with all these kids?

I sat, eating ice, drinking hot fenugreek tea and just thought. It didn’t take that long for me to realize the truth.

It is YOU!

I’ll explain.

Over the last year, people have approached us and said “I am so jealous! You are living my dream! I wish I could do what you are doing! If only I was younger!” The list keeps going yet our reply is always the same.  “YOU CAN! JUST DO IT!”

Then just 2 days ago, I was talking with a woman named Adrienne. We were discussing how we can best serve people.  When I asked, she gave me the best advice ever – “Look back at where you were 3 years ago.  What age you were, your life at the time and how you felt and go from there.”

This was eye-opening for me. This has been mulling in the background since then.  Tonight just brought to the forefront.

People say that we are living the dream. We are…….to a point.

Those previous comments was exactly me 3 years ago. I wanted this life so bad.  I watched endless YouTube clips, I read every sailing blog that I could find.  I did whatever I could to escape into this world. But I was always brought back to “reality”.

I was a Mum of 9 kids at the time.  I had never been anywhere. I was great at having kids even after doctors said we couldn’t.  Yet I wanted so much more.

I watched these videos and the first thing that always popped into my head was “That’s great for them.  They’ve got a spare million to throw into a boat” or “We can’t afford that.” All I saw were roadblocks.

We lived off the grid.  Which meant that we used only solar and wind with the occasional generator to power our house.  We lived on an income that, if we were paying utilities, we would be out on the street. Scraping by was an understatement. And I wanted a boat!

When people say things like this to us, I understand it.  We were right there.

I began resenting everything – our house, our life, Steve’s hoarding of tools, even the kids.  I thought that they all had stopped me from living the life that I dreamt of.

Then one day I thought ‘If I can’t live on a boat now, I am going to pretend. I am going to start getting rid of stuff.’

So I started getting rid of everything that I saw as junk.  Clothes, parts, animals. Anything that I couldn’t take on a boat, even the extra tv’s.

I think Steve had a heart murmur when he saw how much stuff I was piling into the car to dump at the tip.  He started pulling things out. He was very sentimental about his stuff – from hole-riddled T-shirts to old parts that had sat in the shed for years “waiting to be used.” Yeh!

I had started to see all of it as a block, so I was getting rid of it.  Sometimes. I would stop myself, worrying if I was going too far or Steve would tell me I’m going too far.  I would then fall back into my state of depression, feeling like I couldn’t get out of this hole of a life.

The real clincher came for me, when I actually felt that I was drowning in that life.  I felt as though it would swallow me up and Beccie – the one inside of me, would be no more. I NEEDED with everything in me, to get out.

I couldn’t talk to Steve about this.  He knew that I was hurting but every time either he tried to talk to me or I tried to talk to him, I would be in an uncontrollable ball of tears.  Nothing made sense.

So in my utter desperation, I sat on the couch next to him and wrote him an email.  It was the only way I could voice myself.  I was still in a ball of tears but I could put down my thoughts and feelings anyway.  It was all I had left.

I begged him to let go.  To give up on this life because I couldn’t make it through.  That I felt that it was killing me, both physically and emotionally.  I needed him to follow me just for a while.  I said that if these plans didn’t work out within 5 years, I would go back to being the farm wife, the milker of goats and tender of cows. Yet even writing it hurt.

He sat and he read it.  He then read it again and again.  He told me that he had and that he was trying to take in all that it said.

Steve was always brought up to fear the unknown. So stepping out of a supposed controlled environment, was TERRIFYING for him.  I knew this. Yet he also knew that his wife was hurting so bad.

We sat down together the next evening. I’ll discuss that more in a minute.

Back to you.

So when you tell us that we are brave – we are but we were just as afraid as you.

At the time, this didn’t feel like a choice but a necessity.

We understand what it is to feel trapped in our lives with no money and not being able to see any doorways either. We didn’t even hear any good advice that we thought would help us. We were stuck in a life that we thought would free us.

We have been where you are. We have felt similar to what you feel. We have not seen any options or heard anyone tell us how to free ourselves.  Yet….

There is a way.  We found it.

This is where my passion resides – in letting others know that there is a way.

I will come back tomorrow and finish this. I will let you know what we did and how we feel now. It may not be what you think.

Tell me of your struggles. Where you feel stuck in your life NOW.  Show me where you are blocked, release them from you.

I want to know more about YOU. I want to know if you feel that our life can show you another option.  Do you read anything here that you see as an opening?

Comment below or send me an email at:  thelargefamilyaroundtheworld@gmail.com

I will respond to you personally.

Love you all

Zanny Harbars

 

 

2 thoughts on “You Are My Reason”

  1. hi zanny
    normaly i’m a quiet reader of sailing blogs and i’m following yours for a few month now. what i like in your posts is your open minded writing, like your soul flows in your fingertips…

    this time i felt having to write a comment …

    just for being said, i’m a generation ahead of you, our seven kids are out in their own lifes with joys and challenges and there are also some grandkids as well. we are preparing ourself for our sailing adventure that should start in a year or so.

    before reading this post i was telling my wife about you and your adventure (also as one of our daughters will get her baby in the next few days too). i was wondering, why this kind of blog is so successful and my wife said (and she knows your blog only from my saying) that you are serving kind of ‘hidden’ dreams (living a sailing adventure, not caring much what others say, doing something crazy, go out of a paved path, being self-contained and you name it). i continued reading and that is exactly what you wrote in your blog. so i really think, your blog will inspire people that are on that way too (but didn’t dare) to at least think about it and that there is always a way if you really want.

    last but not least, even though we are underway for living our dream, there is always something that makes you struggle, one of the worst is always to get our of your own comfort zone (and that is not a question of age). the other one is to get rid of all kind of stuff that became part of your live and these things are (sometimes) very hard to throw away. but obviously his is more a men-problem, my wife is much less sentimental about that…. i’m working on that 😉

    wish you all the best and keep going living your dreams (and let us have part of it)..

    1. WOW! Thank you Thomas. Your comment was Amazing.

      Having 7 kids is a huge thing as it is, so you also are an Incredible couple. I love that you are underway for living your dream. It is so wonderful to know that there are people out there making their own dreams come true.

      I love your wife’s comment about serving ‘hidden’ dreams. I would love more people to not have them ‘hidden’ but I have to agree with your wife. I also don’t think it is just the sailing. Some people may hate sailing but your description about not caring much what others say, doing something crazy and going out of a paved path is a perfect statement. We all want to be extraordinary and I believe we all can. We just have to stop following the pack.

      Your words are uplifting. Thank you and thank your wife also.

      Give our love and best wishes to your daughter on her impending birth. Mums are amazing people and their bodies are tremendous. Partners are just as incredible, giving their hearts fully to their children. We are thinking of their whole family.

      I am glad that you have been enjoying my writing and being a quiet observer is cool. If you feel the need to comment in the future, please do. I am hear to listen to you.

      Cheers
      Zanny Harbars

      I love your wife’s description and serving ‘hidden’ dreams.

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